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lets see if i can keep this going.. [29 Dec 2009|08:26pm]
[ mood | cold ]

looking back at my old entries makes me wonder about myself. i think im possibly retarded sometimes.

give a thought

all of this [27 May 2008|11:48pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

is just so damn confusing to me. i guess i havent changed much lol.

this weekend was something else. i connected with this guy... and it changed me a lot.

i know it sounds crazy to think that in 3 days i could fall for someone, and want to leave everything else behind. he changed what i thought about almost everything. and then he left to go back home... and i came back to this hell hole in arizona.

i really hate tucson. i wish i would have waited until robyn could have gone to phoenix. i just wake up every day, go to a job i hate, and come home and sleep. this weekend was the closest thing i have gotten to feeling happy and home in the past 2 weeks. i dont wanna make friends with people here, i dont wanna remember this place. i just wanna get a move on, up to phoenix or back home to cali.

all i can keep thinking is, what if i had one more night with him? what if i went back to moorpark with him? what if i was able to make this feeling last?

i cant. all i can do now is go to texas for july 4th and pray he's there too. if i dont see him again though..... at least i know someone who truly changed my life. he made me realize all the things i was holding onto weren't worth it, and i need to find what i really want. and i do thank him for that.

i just hope this all works. this is my only way away from reality, i'll be posting a lot more.

1 remembered| give a thought

will you stay? [15 Jul 2007|11:41am]
[ mood | groggy ]

im falling for him....


hard.

give a thought

this is the story of my life [30 Dec 2006|02:15pm]
my life is so confusing. everything is fine.... but at the same time so wrong. we are ending another year... and yet nothing has been accomplished. i will never understand that. and ive been taken over by something else. im not me... i dont make my own choices anymore. nothing i do is right... and im torn between 2 people who hate eachother. one is my best friend and the other is who im in love with. what do u do when that happens?? i pretend it isnt... i live a beautiful lie.
give a thought

im confused [28 Dec 2006|07:58pm]
So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

So I run, and hide and tear myself up
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

So I run, start again
With a brand new name
With a brand new name

So I run and hide and tear myself
I'll start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

I will disappear
give a thought

[09 Sep 2006|02:18am]
something about this time of year.....


i just cant control myself.

and i miss him... he needs to come home from his dads... but hes going back to school in a week =(
what am i going to do??
give a thought

[25 Jun 2006|12:48pm]
im not a teenager anymore.....
3 remembered| give a thought

sooo me [27 Mar 2006|07:13pm]
It's a long way back to reality,
she puts another Brick in the wall of shame
she made so long ago
Trying to figure out where things went wrong
Searching through all the lies she told
Somehow she missed out on all the things that
She needed most
days spent wondering why this
Life is so cold
and nothing ever changes

Screaming for attention,
watch the sun steal
Yesterday
Hiding all emotion far away

Trying to find his self confidence,
another Broken heart behind the painless
smile that he shows
reminded that yesterday is still so far gone
And tomorrow is still a miracle
somehow he Missed out on all the things he needed most
days Spent wondering why this life is so cruel
and Nothing ever changes

Tomorrow's still a miracle
give a thought

.....i have [19 Mar 2006|03:40am]
Remember that blue crystal sky
The sun reflected in your eyes
Kissed me unexpectedly
A moment I just can't forget
We filled the air with promises
Took them up so tenderly
But life never asks you what you want
It's just gonna have its way
Sometimes it doesn't give like it takes

If I never see your face
If wings take you away from me
And tomorrow never happens, baby
If the world comes tumbling down
And crumbles all around us
Fate turns cruel
You're on your knees
So desperate for one truth
Know that I have loved you

Don't think I'll write another letter
Or watch another pink sunset
Without thinking about you
I take a walk along the blue seaside
How will I sleep at night
How will I wipe the tears from your eyes

If I never see your face
If wings take you away from me
And tomorrow never happens, baby
If the world comes tumbling down
And crumbles all around us
Fate turns cruel
You're on your knees
So desperate for one truth
Know that I have loved you

Without a single hesitation
Without thought or reservation
Baby, I'll be waiting
Even if I never see your face
And wings take you away from me
And tomorrow never happens, baby
If the world comes tumbling down
And crumbles all around us
Fate turns cruel
You're on your knees
So desperate for one truth
Know that I have loved you

I have loved you

If I never see your face
If wings take you away from me
With all my heart and all my soul
The world comes tumbling down
And crumbling all around
I have loved you

If I never see your face
If wings take you away from me
I have loved you
give a thought

this is not what i planned [26 Feb 2006|02:26am]
[ mood | drunk... again... ugh ]

so right now im over at jessicas.... let me tell you... everything that i have thought and planned is just not really what it seems. apparently im "married" but to tell you the honest truth... im just not seeing it. how is it that everyone sees all these things that just arent there? i mean i dont feel any of it is actually happening. no matter what i try and do.. its just not right. im in this situation that is never ending. and it just keeps happening over and over again.. like i cant get out and im cursed forever with this. thats it... this is all a curse that will never end. im going to be tempted for the rest of my life and nothing is ever atually going to work out. nothing ever does. now i know i might be drunk right now... but in the situation im in at the current moment.. and being with the people im with... i just see it. no one else might and i understand that... cuz in everyones head things just always end up perfect in the end... well not for me... never. i know i know... never say never.... but this is serious. i keep putting myself where i shouldnt. i keep losing my heart to this terrible war that just isnt fair. and i know i shouldnt be doing it.... but for some reason i just cant stop. we both do it... we both know its wrong. so then why?!?!?! and i know whats right... but i refuse to see it when i need to. i only see it after and then try to convince myself every morning when i wake up that it never really happened, and that for some reason, every day is a new day. well i cant anymore. if things arent going to change then i just dont see the point to going on. and im really thinking that if things dont change like way soon then im just going to be done. soooooo.... we'll see how everything goes. i think im just going to talk to jessica when he leaves and figure out what im going to do...

maybe someone will know the answers... cuz obviously im not going to find them out on my own cuz im not easily trusted? what if there is something but no one wants to say it cuz it might not be a good thing. sometimes i really wonder... like really wonder.

give a thought

i cant be without you baby <3 [25 Feb 2006|02:52am]
[ mood | drunk ]

haha wow... so recently.. everything has been amazingly wonderful. like... i dont even know how to explain it. well minus the fact that im very fucking sick.. i dont think being drunk right now is helping though... haha oh well. tonight was okay... things seem to be so much better..

i dont want anything to change... i love right now.

give a thought

um mm [18 Feb 2006|01:56am]
so i decided.... i should prbably stop smoking so much pot. like seriously... ive been high 5 nights in a row! this is noooo good.

and i havent seen garrett since valentines day. how odd.
give a thought

SOOO the right thing right now [31 Jan 2006|12:35am]
You love the way i look at you
While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through
You take away if i give in
My life
My pride is broken

You like to think you're never wrong
You have to act like you're someone
You want someone to hurt like you
You want to share what you have been through


You love the things i say i'll do
The way i hurt myself again just to get back at you
You take away if I give in
My life
My pride is broken
give a thought

.... [26 Jan 2006|01:15am]
More Than Ever
I Need To Feel You
More Than Ever
I See The Real You
give a thought

[20 Jan 2006|01:56am]
all i have to say is: thank you jason. i dont cry much anymore, and i appreciate you being there for me tonight. i love you lil bro!
give a thought

*sigh* [19 Jan 2006|12:39am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

maybe one day everything will be normal again... but for now im content. some people are really stupid sometimes.. and yea i admit ive done some pretty fucked up things.. but there is a time when i draw the line.. and that line was drawn.. and i never crossed it. so get over it.

in other news... timothy is fucking awesome. he always knows how to make me laugh when im upset. thank god i work with an amazing guy. not to mention... hes damn fine to look at! haha.

im going to bed. i have to puppy sit and baby sit tomorrow.

♥ you leave me speachless... when you look at me ♥

give a thought

wow [16 Jan 2006|03:53pm]
It's amazing what kind of power you have over me.
You make me feel every emotion that I've been trying so hard to hold back.
You make me laugh, you make me sad, you make me jealous, you make me angry & excited.
You give me that temporary happiness that I need to go on. 
& as much as I hate you for making me feel all of these unfamiliar feelings, I love you for it so much more..
cuz I haven't felt them in a really long time.
Basically, you make me feel alive again.
give a thought

blah [13 Jan 2006|10:17am]
ok i slept from 1:30 til 10... and im still dead tired. why?!

and i think garrett got me sick. =(
give a thought

ugh [11 Jan 2006|12:37am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

ok im gonna take like 3 seconds to express my anger...


GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

k.i still dont feel better, but you know. i hate how some people can fucking go through mood swings and change so fast. its like, one day everything is perfect.. then next, its shit. like what the fuck?!

best friends means i pulled the trigger

i will NEVER call someone my best friend again.
after this weekend, everything will be over.

1 remembered| give a thought

oy [08 Jan 2006|05:39pm]
no more getting drunk for me after last night. not good.
4 remembered| give a thought

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